Relationships

Relationships

So, I was working at Goodwood and having a chat with one of my colleagues. You see, men don't talk about relationships with other men unless it is about Sex. Intimacy, feelings and all those heavy duty words are mostly missing from a man's vocabulary.

Anyway, the topic went to relationships and the guy said to me that he has been dating his girlfriend for 2.5 years and he thinks they're perfect for each other BECAUSE they've never had an argument. As soon as he said that, I knew that was a lie. I don't think you can ever NOT have an argument with your partner every once in a while. Especially for that long. Arguments are important in a relationship. They're not necessary but they're sometimes very essential to keep the fire burning.

Relationships are about having that massive argument and then having the balls to say sorry without holding any grudges and moving on! The day you start holding a grudge against your partner, the day you start having an ego in the argument, the day you decide not to say Sorry is the day the rot starts in a relationship.

Communication, I believe, is the most important thing in a relationship. Your mind is like a bin, if you don't clear your grudges with your partner by talking, the bin is going to get full faster and its anybody's guess what would then happen when it starts overflowing!

Me and Her

I love my partner more than anything in the world. I have grown to accept her the way she is especially because she accepts me the way I am. I get mad at her every now and then and we both end up saying stuff we wouldn't normally say and we have sparks flying every now and then but before going to bed, we always clear up and say sorry and move on! I don't think, I'd ever be happy with anyone else apart from her. I look forward to being 80 years old with her on my side bollocking me for not looking after my health and wiping every little doorknob to table surface with anti-bacterial wipes so that our kids won't get infections! 

Family.

It might just look like another photo from the 70s/80s but this is my dad and his 4 siblings. And the room that this photo has been taken in is actually our house. My dad’s family was raised in those 4 walls. My grandpa, grandma, my dad, my 3 uncles and my aunt. Yes 7 people!

They were raised from birth to their adulthood in that room which was a bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, dining room and a reception, all squeezed in one. Space was not a constraint. They never complained or ever moaned about having a bigger house. Grandpa and Uncle got the bed,  grandma had one uncle and aunt on either side on the floor. Dad and the 3^rd uncle slept under the bed. And they were still all very happy.

Today whatever liberties and luxury that our 3^rd Shinde generation is enjoying is all down these humble people of our family. No matter what we do or where we get to in the future, my family will always remind me to keep my feet on the ground and remind me of my roots.

Their sacrifices have ensured our better future and I will strive to do the same for my little girl. No matter what luxurious car I drive, I will always remember my grandpa’s cycle rides for miles every day from his village to Pune in his heydays for work. No matter how many sleepless nights I have, I won’t forget my dad’s life of working during the day and college at night. No matter how many responsibilities we get, we will never match the hardwork our Mum n dad has put in.

We are what our parents made us.

A very humble photo!

In Lonesome valley

What is it with us humans and loneliness that makes us think and think and think and think some more. My mind right now is like a wild forest-fire - Unstoppable!

I look outside and it's absolutely breathtaking. The entire horizon is snow laden. It looks like a scene right out from some movie. Everywhere you look and everything you see, is covered with snow. Beautiful. But..I'm in my room. Sitting alone. Absolutely no one in the house.

Some have gone to work, some have gone to their loved ones, some are back to their real home to celebrate Christmas with their parents. How much fun it would've been if there was someone to enjoy the evening with. The perils of being away from home for your career - Right there!

But past few days have been quite normal. Nothing extra ordinary. People keep on amusing me with their behaviour. You sometimes get into a cocoon mindset where you make an image of someone which you believe won't change. Like someone you know for years and you think he/she is trustworthy or he/she will never back stab you. And guess what, they do just that. That's when you, what nature likes to call it, come out of the cocoon - the transformation.

And then you meet someone new too and it feels like you've been knowing that person for absolute ages. Such a brilliant feeling.

In my case, as much as that feeling was exhilarating, it almost cost me the next day. My enjoyment at meeting that new person resulted in me sleeping at about 5:30 am and getting up at 5:45 am (after 15 mins if you didn't get it) to go off to work. My eyes looked like I was high from a dosage of ecstasy. After 3 red bulls, I seemed alright. Hey, but you know what, it was worth it!

The day started quite well at snowy Ascot and soon the racing was cancelled because of the storm that we experienced. That was one of the most breathtaking sights I'd ever seen in my life. I stood in the balcony of the grandstand and all I could see was white from top to bottom. You couldn't see the horizon. I couldn't see anything past 5 feet from me. It was just amazing. We finished quite early than usual and predictably, next day's races were cancelled as well.

Hence today, I'm home, I'm writing this.

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS to all you good people out there!

This song is much much deep than the vocals, something clicks in you.

Epigraph

I've sat down on a snow-laden beautiful lonesome evening to write another one of my rare blog entries. I always keep on thinking of writing one every week if not every other day but I am too lazy for that. It always takes something awe-inspiring to happen for me to sit down & pen my dispostion. I get bored rather quickly even If I decide to update my blog which, for the record, I reckon hardly anyone ever bothers to read anymore. So who am I kidding here? But its always good to pen your thoughts down so you can go through them whenever you need a bit of introspection. Anyway, so one would wonder why the crapiola now?

Well, things happened. As they always do. And always will.

I was goin through the papers a couple of days back. Its a common read about an awful lot of teenage stabbings and teenage suicides and what not. It is such a pity to see someone at the age of 13 has to think of ending his misery by putting a blade through some mates ribs and ending it all. Over a girl? Over a pety fight? Over "respect"? It takes me back to my teens when my worries included, how to dodge dads erate eye because a teacher called home for my less than impressive showing in the exams. Or worry about not saving enough money for a movie at the weekend. Or to worry about a new kit of cricket. I had fights. Arguments. But it all went out of the window after a few days, if not hours.

We all are going down the dirty road. As I once previously stated, I wish I could just lock my future kids in a box somewhere till they are about 30 so that to keep them away from this new culture, these new people, these new trends and this new society.

A 10 year old now "must" have a cell phone which for the record, I only got to lay my hands on secretly when I turned 17. All the monetary "blessings" that I used to receive in India was actually the real reason why I could afford a Cell phone during those days when even picking up a call was chargeable.

Now we all follow Lady Gaga, her music and her fashion sense!

Oh well, those were the days. Bless us all!

Man proposes but She disposes!

Funny incident.

Worked with this Indian girl at Twickers a few weeks ago. Really pretty. Good girl. Spent some time chatting with her with no intention of asking her out. Nevertheless we added each other on facebook or rather I added her on facebook and we talked for a while thereon. She went back to wherever for her Uni and I didn't hear from her ever since.

Come this Saturday for the Kiwi game, I see her queuing up for her Signing in on a level below my floor. I was in the lift and I just had a quick glance, she did too and in that brief 3 second period, I waved at her and asked her to come up and she waved back "ok, call me!". Brilliant I thought. Hence as soon as a I got on my desk, I called the floor manager downstairs and asked him to send her up to me and promised him some really pretty replacements.

Here's how it went...

Alok: Hey man, do me a massive favour, you should have this girl XYZ in your staff queue. Send her upstairs and I'll send you the hottest girl that comes to me.

Y: Umm what's her name? How does she look like..?

A: XYZ...Indian girl, long hair...you'll notice.

Y: Ahh, hey ..(Chitter chatter)...Mate, she says she doesn't want to come coz she's got her friend with her.

A: Nah it's alright, send both of em' and I'll send you 2 girls. Like for like replacement.

Y: ...(Chitter chatter)...nah mate she says no she doesn't want to come. Sorry!

A: (BUMP)! Alright thanks! Bye..

I have no idea what happened there but it was shocking. I hadn't in the slightest thought of that. I tried to ignore it and concentrate on the job ahead but it kept on playing at the back of my mind. It really bamboozled me.

I went downstairs midway through the day to have a chat with "Y" and see what he had to say. I met him and he started laughing. He said "Mate, she said she doesn't want to work with you today or next week. She even said to me that you have no chance with her. Forget about her man!" I was like, wtf! I was feeling so low because this was totally random. I had no intentions of getting into her pants neither did I protrude any behaviour to suggest the same. The way we chatted for over an hour when we first met all but suggested that she thought I was a funny guy and she kind of took me as a nice guy! So when I heard of all this, it obviously meant she was pretending to be nice to me just because I was a manager and inside she was just waiting for me to fuck off. It pissed me off and I just decided to not give a fuck and walk straight off.

When I went home, I was kind of taken aback when I saw her facebook post on my wall quite early in the morning asking me if I was working that day at Twicks. I was wondering if she didn't want to talk or work with me why the hell would she ask me that?

Hence I decided to msg her on facebook and clear off any misunderstanding. I let her know I have no intentions of hitting on her and I was really surprised she said all of that to "Y".

.

.

.

She replied back instantly, saying she didn't say any of that and the way she said it was reverted back to me in a totally wrong way. Obviously, the guy wanted to keep her on his floor and she said some really nice things. Made my day!

Hence proven, Guys are dickheads!

And the biggest of them all is "Y".

Time for REVENGE! Wait for Part 2 to this post..;)

Kiwis in town, HAKA dance and the matter of punctuality

D'oh! After reading people scribble on their blog for quite a few days, I've decided to follow suite. I've never been very good at keeping my mouth shut just like Jonathan Ross but converting those thoughts to words and eventually on the blog has been a problem of sorts. I put it down to getting no time and being busy with work while some may put it down to sheer laziness. To those "some", a one finger salute, although they are sort of correct. Sort of.

So, had a very entertaining past week. Eventful. November and December is one of the busiest period of our event manager's lives up here in London because of all the November and December Internationals at Twickenham. 6 in total. We all look forward to the start of the month and as soon as the first game is over, you can't wait for the end of the 6th. It is the time to make money, but at the cost of some real donkey arse hard work. But oh well, we mere mortals have to slog around to make our gold unlike some shrek-ish creatures who just show dissent and get rewarded with over 200k GBP a week. Don't bother with the maths my fellow Indians, it is pointless. And if you don't know what I mean, google Rooney! ;)

I was particularly enthusiastic about these two months. It means more business for me and more work for all the guys over the holiday period. On the Thursday though, I was so over enthusiastic, I woke up early at about 5am, got ready and was at work at about 5:45am. I was looking forward to seeing the security guards on duty to be amazed at my punctuality but instead found out there was not a soul around. After parking on the "RFU Staff" (Im not one) parking space at the Old Rugby House, I made my way into the stadium to see the Duty Manager. Still, No one around.

I don't get it. I am 15 Mins early to work for Christs sake! How the hell no ones' there to notice when you're early to work but the entire world including your bosses walk past you when you're 5 mins late is absolutely surprising to me. But it was a fantastic day nonetheless.

Was looking forward to the New Zealand game since a year because I wanted to particularly see them do The Haka in front of 82,00 English Supporters. It has been my long term dream to watch the Haka after watching it on youtube hundreds of time. Fortunately, I was asked to look after Level 6, the view from where, was absolutely stunning to say the least. I literally felt like I was up in the clouds when I saw the first wave of supporters crowding in.

What goes around comes around. Time is the Healer.

I was given 3 Supervisors to work with on Level 6.

1st Guy was/is my immediate boss at Ascot. He was shocked at the role reversal when he was informed I was going to be his boss for the next 2 months.

2nd Guy was a former Sodexho Cash Declaration guy who once half strip searched me 3 years ago citing "random searches" as a reason. Absolute racist and I always hated him since. But the moment I heard he was going to be working under me, the monster in me started growling. Result, he ended up in the bloody hot kitchen dealing with a bloody monster of a man called the "head chef". Someone had to do it, I had a good enough reason to appoint him to do that job! ;)

3rd supervisor was a beautiful girl called Aggie. Never worked before as a supervisor. Didn't like that fact but its always a first time for everyone and I was more than sufficiently staffed so I didn't really mind. Besides it's good to have some good looking creatures working with you. You don't want a sausage fest do you?

Time has a funny way of dealing with things. I have learned over the past few months that if you put your head down and get the job done, you will be rewarded in some way or the other. This Saturday was a very good example. It was hard to get these guys on board to work with me and understand that I was their boss. I didn't want them to pass their judgement based on the amount of melanin in their skin but eventually when I managed to convince them that I wasn't there to boss around but work "with" them, we were absolutely cruising with Alex's hardcore action in the kitchen, Simon's experience, Alex's co-operation and my Logistical know-how about the stadium. We were The Dream Team.

On the closing note, I did get to watch The Haka. Recorded this video. It was such a magnificent feeling when the English Supporters started singing when the Kiwis started the HAKA. Had goosebumps all over me. Brilliant!

Anyway, I'll probably do this blogging thing on a regular basis if I feel like it. But for now Tchao!

Women

I was a just-born and she was Twenty-Five,
Though we were we, we were one.
I would cry out in Latin and she would respond in Greek,
I would learn nothing but she never got tired to teach.

I was surrounded by monsters eager to pull my cheek,
but they would vanish the moment I was wet and weep.
She would come running and hold me in her arms,
as if I had won the contest of the charms.

Now I was able to walk and chew,
and hey, I was two.
I and she could now understand each other,
I was her everything and she needed no other.
I would try to walk and fall down,
But knowing she was with me,
the fear of getting hurt was now gone.

We still could not converse that effectively,
But she would understand my needs so easily.
I could now roam about free,
because now I have turned three.

I was ready to join a new world,
my academic life was now gonna mould.
She would dress me as best as a prince,
but when I would come back,
she would need at least an hour to rinse.

I was now able to talk,
I was a ferry and she was my dock.
I still remember the child, whose shirt I had tore,
Hey buddy, I have turned four.

I now came home a little late,
Nevertheless finding her waiting at the gate.
She would hug me and carry me in her arms,
it felt like flying through the farms.

We now did the homework together,
I would spoil the home and she used to work.
Years passed and now I was fifteen,
and with each year I would forget to lean.

I wouldn't care for what she said,
because now I had become mean.
She would ask me to study for a good future,
but I was busy in a different culture.

Now I had many shes in my life,
I dreamed of having one of them as my wife.
I changed a lot which she did not teach,
She would try to hug me but I was out of reach.

She still waited for me at the gate,
but I would look at her with utmost hate.
She would be awake till late in the night,
because I wasn't home, I was in a fight.

She had so much to scold, but she never did say,
hoping to find me better the next day.

Time went on and now I am grown,
lost in the world of my own.

I and she, between us have a river,
I have left her for my career.
When I was young, for me, she sacrificed her ambitions,
but I don't care, I now have my own mission.
I am not with her now, I am in a different city,
she is so old now but I don't even pity.

She needs me now but I am nowhere to find,
in the race for appraisal, I have become blind.
In a few years from now, I will be two,
there will be in my life someone new.
Then I'll forget even to bother,
I am her son and she is my Mother

Doesn’t this explain a lot? A true journey of a woman from someone else’s point of view. Her other life. Her Son/Daughter. A woman dedicates half of her life for someone else’s cause. She always does. When she is young, she makes sacrifices for her boyfriend. When she gets married, its her husband. When she has kids, her life ends right there. She dedicates the rest of her life for the upbringing of not just her kids, but the family as a whole.

Yes we men go out and do the “hard” work. Yes we toil “15 hours” a day at times just so that we can make that extra buck to buy that one thing for our kids. But imagine, spending 20 hours a day keeping the house clean, making breakfast for everyone, taking the kids to school, Paying the bills. I’d rather work by the roadside picking up stones than do all of that. Sorry we just can’t do that. And if you think, nahh that’s all too easy, try carrying a baby in your fat belly for 9 months. Try eating for it, sleeping with it, taking extra care just for it. Dude, accept it, we can’t. I always find myself to be extremely “lucky” to be born as a man and not a woman because no matter how mentally strong we men are; only a woman can do that. Only she has the mental strength to go through the pain of labor, the pain of letting her husband be a dickhead, the pain of her kids growing up disrespecting her.Only she can put up with it with it whilst still not shying away from her so called “duties”.

You might wonder what the hell has gotten into me, but I had to make this very clear some or the other day. I had to elucidate when a few days ago I got into a petty argument with one of the girls on my friends list on Mark Zuckerberg’s revolution called Facebook which by the way provides so many opportunities for me to vent out my frustration at dickheads talking obscene politics and general gender specific gibberish. But after misunderstanding my joke, the argument went to a point where I had to explain the woman that I wasn’t a dick or a Male Chauvinist Pig as they love to call it. Anything but that. She got the point across successfully or not is another story but I there wasn’t enough place or privacy there on the status updates to explain her the real situation. I promised her a blog.

This is for all of those so called gents out there who think the world doesn’t go beyond their intelligence and to all those women out there who think Cinderella is real. Sorry people, Disney has fucked with your brains all too much for you to smell the real thing. Life isn’t all that much of a beautiful journey when it comes to relationships. As I have said it again, let me reiterate, there is no real love. Don’t be daft and throw names like Shane West, Mandy Moore, Gerard Butler, Hilary Swank etc on my face. Don’t take movies for real. Take inspiration from it, don’t enact it in real life. There is nothing more stupid than doing what a guy did on the teli for a cool million dollars. There is no selfless deed in this world. You love someone which you mistake for attraction. A guy loves a girl because she looks beautiful. A girl loves a guy because he looks beautiful. Let me tell you something, there is nothing good or beautiful in this world, a beauty of a thing lies in your ability to appreciate it. I might find a red rose beautiful while you might find a yellow one better. Does that mean the red one is less beautiful than the yellow one & vice-versa? No it isn’t. Our point of view differs. The point is, would you love the same rose when it dries up? When it has lost its charm? No You wouldn’t, you’d go for the next one or a new one. Explains a lot doesn’t it? This is how we humans think. I detest snakes while my friend loves it to the point where I doubt he has sex with it when no one’s around. Awful? Sounds so, but for me, not for him!

I had a friend or rather have a friend who I wouldn’t name here. He has a simple philosophy - to have sex with as many girls as he can. Whatever he gets in his plate, he’d bone it. Fair enough. Nothing new you might say. This is what we men are all about aren’t we? But then comes the real bolt from the blue. He says he would expect his wife to have never had sex before when she gets married to him. A virgin. Bummer? He says he’d not let his wife wear skimpy clothes or put on too much make up. He’d not let his wife to go out and party much. I bet he’d kill every guy his wife talks to. Bless his friends. So I questioned him about the fairness of this all and he had a simple answer too. He said offcourse we are men, we are allowed to fuck about but she’s a woman, she can’t do that. I didn’t feel like arguing about it as I felt there was no point in arguing with someone who has such clear thoughts about how things should be.

I met someone recently who said to me, to bed a girl you don’t need good looks or a lot of notes with the queens portrait on it. All you need, he expertly said, is a bottle of cheap champagne and “coke” worth a few quids. How magnificent! Or rather, how efficient. This is our attitude towards women. We weave such a stronghold around them that they get emotionally hooked onto it and don’t want to leave us ever again. We’re good at it. Not just us but women are not too far behind in this game of love. We always act all goody goody to the girl. Buy her expensive gifts, flowers, talk hollywoodish to get into her pants. Fast forward a few weeks/months and she is so emotionally involved that you are sure no matter what you’d do, at the most she’d be pissed for a few days but she won’t dump you. Acts eitherways but it’s the truth. Wouldn’t you rather have a guy who is as crystal clear (rude or not) to you from the beginning that the one who talks like Shah Rukh Khan initially and starts fading into Shakti Kapoor? Why would you feel embarrassed if a guy tells you a dirty joke. Don’t tell me girls don’t watch porn or read adult jokes. We are not in high school. I hate people who are pretentious. Of course there is a fine line between being filthy and being a sport but always acting like a princess is going to fetch you no-one but a guy who is good at being a knight in shining armour…till he beds you. Stop it don’t argue, but that is the truth. Not all men are like that you’d say. But try and find one who isn’t and lets see what is easier, finding a honest bloke or shooing away a wanker! I am not over-generalizing.

Lets not blame it on the guy though, unfortunately we lot are ruled by our testosterones most of the times than the neurons. We see a hot girl, we’re going to look at her. Doesn’t matter if we’re married or single, with a woman or not. What matters is how we react after it. Dropping the jaw and lusting your tongue out when you’re with your girlfriend/wife is not going to score you any good points. But at the same time, just because he looked and appreciated her beauty doesn’t mean he’s a total disaster either. Nature is weird, we can’t help it.

So all I am saying to you women and men out there is stop being stupid and be a sport. Its that simple. Flirting and boning isn’t the answer to every question.

Btw Lets clear up the Cinderella Story while we are at it for all you women out there:

Cinderella: The Real Story.

Cinderella is forced by her bitchy stepmother to clean the house from stem to stern every day. The only thing that prevents her from swallowing a bottle of pain killers is her belief that someday her dreams will come true.

One day Cinderella plans to attend a ball thrown by the prince, but the fact that she has a cutthroat bitch for a stepmother completely slipped her mind. She is forbidden from going.

Luckily, it turns out Cinderella has a fairy godmother, who uses her magic to hook Cinderella up with a ride, a beautiful outfit and a pair of what would seem like grossly impractical glass heels. In the whole fucking kingdom, none had the same shoe size as Cinderella's. But anyway, at the ball Cinderella uses her innate flirting skills and rocks the prince's world, to the point that the next day the prince whisks her away to be his princess.

The Supposed Message: Dreams do come true!

The Actual Message: If you wait around long enough, the universe will practically hand stuff to you.

"Could you fix my credit score while you're at it?"

Explanation: No one is denying the fact that Cinderella's life was one big shit stain. But in her state of mind, she actually thought that her dreams would just sort of happen if she sat around being miserable long enough. It never occurred to her that she had the ability to just tell her stepmother to go fuck herself.

Instead she kept scrubbing floors and believing that, if she continued to wish very hard and take absolutely no action, everything would fall into place. And what do you know, the bitch gets a fucking kingdom out of it.

So don't worry, girls. Some kind of "Fairy Godmother" will sweep into your life at any moment, and find you a man to take care of everything. Just keep wishing!

PS. I’d appreciate your honesty in the comments section. If you are too incensed with it or argue over it, you may wish to email me and vent it all out. Cheers! ;)

Gone Baby Gone

If you ever ask me, when does a man feel the most terrible, I would probably have quite a few incidents or moments to narrate. But right now, I dont know how or why, it feels terrible. Really really terrible. Right to the core. From the deepest bottoms of my heart.

Leaving India is always bad. Leavind friends is always bad. Leaving family is even bad. But return someplace where you dont like it at all is the worst feeling. That too on the back of a good long almost 3 months vacation is unexpressable.

I went to India in January. I hadn't got time or the courage to go visit India for over 2 years. 2 years 4 months to be precise. The nostalgia was immense. It was getting to a point where I was getting emotionally sick thinking about everything that is about India. I was getting depressed. Hence, when I received my new Visa, I decided to take a chance amidst all the ongoing problems like immigration, finances, jobs and all one could think of. I thought of surprising my family by visiting without any prior notice.

I notified the monster of a man a.k.a Shailesh about it and he came to pick me up to Mumbai.

I was worried sick about the money that I would have to spend in India, the bills that would pile up when I return back to London, the immigration mamu's patting my back and saying "kahitari kara chaha panyacha" (there chaha paani costs a friggin lot than a 5 star hotel's chaha paani!).

But once I shocked the living daylights off my mom after showing up on the door, all the fear was lost. That was the most satisfying moment I had in a long long time. Then came the turn of Uncles, aunties, brothers, sisters n friends. It turned out beautiful. It was a dream come true. But as one says, a man can never be happy with what he gets. I wanted more.

I had thought of going out with my mates to movies, long rides, trips to neverlands, just go insane. I had been waiting for it for 2 long years. 26 long months. 790 long days. Countless hours.

But as it always happens in my case, I learn things the hard way. Things had changed. They'd changed real good.

People had moved on. People had girlfriends. People had studies. People had jobs. People had other things to do. People were happy. I wasnt sure about myself. My first thought was, how pathetic could one be when it comes to giving excuses. I felt awful at heart and wanted to secretly cry my eyes out. But then I realised it wasnt all that bad. I realised they had to do it because it was their life. I didnt not have the right to pop in all of a sudden out of oblivion and expect things to happen. I couldnt expect them to leave their daily chores for my satisfaction. Thats not what friends do. They understand each other. Support each other.

The first month flew away like a leaf off a fading tree. The next was excruciatingly painful. Get up at 2 in the noon and sleeping at 5 in the morning took the piss. Some of the things some friends said hurt like mad. I felt really bad about it. But I couldnt show it.

People said I hadnt changed. Why on earth would they want me to change? Everytime I come back to India, they expect a major change in me. Why? What is wrong with me? The next time I go back, I am gonna be a real pisshead making people wish I had been to my old self.

When I was spending my time doing absolutely fuckall, I felt terrible. When my sister was getting up at 4 in the morning, cooking food and going off to work untill 6 in the evening, I felt like a penny waiting for a change. My frustration resulted in me fighting with my mother, shouting on my brother, being rude with my sister. I hated myself. I still do for being a dickhead.

I dont know what to do. Today sitting here and typing all this after a day of returning back to London, I feel terrible. There you go. For the umpteenth time, I feel terrible. I want to cry but I cant. I just want to go back to my country even though I feel I couldve done a lot better in India this time around. No matter how bad my condition was, no matter how bad I was treated at times, no matter how ignorant people are, I still love it. I miss my mom, my friends, our kitten, our house, the bike, the car stereo, the tea, the food, the people, the festivals. I miss the love given by all. I just cant take it. Please god help me find a way! Please!

Respect the women

OK, so probably I have to rant a little bit now. Maybe it would sound wtf-u-talking-about kind of trash but I deserve to rant after being shut for all this while. So, what is the reason for my haranguing?

Well, I am working at this place called the England's Home of Rugby. For more knowledgeable ones - Twickenham. I am assigned to work with a bunch of Mauritian boys. 20 of them to be precise. The guys are all your typical next door horny males. So we were working a few days ago when for the first time, we had a girl who came to work along with us. She was an insanely good looking Indian-African kinda girl with absolutely fit body and hair to die for. But that was it.

The way she caused commotion amongst the boys was absolutely sensational. More than sensational, it was immoral. The poor soul was leeched at all day long by the guys as if she was a toy on the chimneypiece. And she did not seem to be a bit distracted by it even though she noticed everyone staring at her. The look on everyone's face was as if they had all been stuck on an deserted island without a woman for years and they were ready to nail this chick down. It was hilarious at one point.

But, the funniest part is, the way they stared at her. If you had shown her head shot to them after a few days, they most probably wouldn't have recognised her but if you had given a picture of her from head below, they would've immediately recognised her. The sexually-driven stare was insane. Once even I was caught having a quick stare I agree but it was a bit awkward & I with all honesty did not intend to look at her.

The fact is If you go with the quick look, you just feel the awkwardness and it means you either felt weird she caught you staring at her which means you were having weird thoughts or being creepy, or it says you are loser and you are embarrassed to admit that you were caught staring. Either ways, you have to just extend the stare and see what happens next.

Its more about the intention behind the stare than the stare itself. Why are women just looked upon as a sex object than anything else. There is more to a woman than her body. Yes call me an idiot but that's the truth. You cant be just looking at the "prized assets" when you are talking with a beautiful girl. But then how would you know if she beautiful, because you weren't even looking at her face. There is nothing good or beautiful in this world as someone has said, the beauty of a thing lies in your ability to appreciate it.

The question is, why is it that men always think of sex 24 x 7. No I am as straight as the hair on my chest and I do think about sex as much as I think about football. But the difference is, not all the time. There is a limit to everything. I've seen so many guys who would fuck a doll in the middle of the night even when they r half asleep. It is crazy. There are so many things better than sex. Ok, not better but, as good as it. How about a hot plate of onion bhajji when its raining cats n dogs. Or how about a cuppa when its freezing your bollocks out. How about coming home all disappointed and knackered from work and your baby boy or girl runs upto you and holds you in their cuppy arms. For them you are not the same loser as you might be out of the house or in the office. Isn't that as good as it gets? Try staying 3 years in longevity away from your family and friends, the faces you dream to be with, the people you want to dine n wine with, try meeting them for the first time after all those years. I will sacrifice a thousand nights of sex for such occasions. OK, make it hundred...or less. But you got the point.

But you know what, a dude has second thoughts, as always. And I have second thoughts. Not that I doubt what I have scribbled but I love being sure. Is really sex the best thing ever or is it not? Lemme double check just to be hundred percent sure. Honey...shall we..

Just to prove my point to all the guys who are crying foul over reading this post, stare at the above image long enough, and you will see a waterfall. ;)

Fingers Crossed

Well, the same old whinging. But then what are blogs for? Eh' Anyways, yeah I mean even I am fed with my doppelganger self complaining about every bit of whats happening. I don't think I can get any lower than this. The questions keep popping up. Not that I am suffering emotionally or financially or career-wise. Alls well. The same old hiccups n all which every other boy suffers. Family is ..welll, as usual, brilliant. And the usual yada yada.
But you would wonder, so whats wrong?

Well I've been asking the same question. I dont know whats wrong. And it is so frustrating. Its this untolerable cruelty that hurts. That feeling which I get every once in a while saying somethings wrong. AH well, my mate says go n see a counselor. For fuck sake!! A counselor?

A guy who fucking gives you advice on your problems for money. Heck no. Doesnt fit right in my head. Talking about money. There is this miserable situation I have gotten into.

So, I work for this guy since I've been in London. Nice british born Indian guy. Helped me when I was looking for a job. And I have been loyal to him alright. As in, haven't complained about shit stuff. Pretty decent. But now, I need money. As in more money. My needs have grown and so has the need for that extra money. Yes I am an international student and its really a paltry amount that we are "legally" allowed to earn in this country. Real pisstake. You pay shitloads of tax and pay for licenses for every bloody thing you do. Paying for watching a TV, parking your vehicle, congestion charges, and for taking the piss. I mean literally. Ok I dont have to pay most of those charges because I dont have a car yet and neither do I plan to buy one soon lest I am employed by Mr. Mittal which is as unlikely as Chelsea playing 'sexy' football. Nevertheless, back to the point. After paying so much u save peanuts.

So now I want to look for a new job. Not that its hard to find one. Infact the experience I gained over the years working for my company has made me a lot better and its now sort of easy to find a similar job. But then the problem is Mr. Employer doesnt like it if we (me and friends) go looking for another job. What a shame. Yeah probably I would've done the same had I been in his shoes and I honestly know how it feels but what shall I do? I need money to pay my bills which is one of the reasons I am feeling shitty. Probably. But then unfortunately I am not professional enough to jump to a decision. Its easy to say well you need money so go do another job, dont give a toss about who thinks what, coz they aint gonna help you pay your bills. But its easier said than done. I just cant do it or just dont feel like it. Altough it would've been mighty jolly had Mr. Employer understood the predicament which I seriously doubt. But then when my friends have joined other jobs, he got angry in the beginning and it looked likely they wont be working for us again, but he still keeps calling them for work. Again. What a joke. Them boys were laughing behind his back. Saying they dont need him anymore coz they found a new job. They thought he needed em and not the other way around. And well, they've been proved right. Infact I've been proven wrong for thinking otherwise. For FUCK SAKE! The worst thing is, Mr. Employer is a very decent bloke. Very hard to find such a mate. Can't go all angry on him. But hold ur guns. Thats true only outside the office. When he gets in, its hard to predict him. Ruthless. Oh well, God bless! I dont care!

The other day, I was working at Wembley when I got a call from him asking me to collect everyones job cards. I told the area manager that I had to collect everyones jobcards for my boss. The area manager, being an arrogant racist little (read fat fuck coz he is over 18 stones) cunt that he is, looked at me and said in front of everyone, "the last time I checked, I was the area manager, you dont tell me what to do" and left. It was so embarassing. I felt like slashing the big daddy into pieces. But I said nothing, looked into his eyes and gulped down the anger. But that wasn't it. One of the staff turned up and said to me, "who the fuck are you and why the fuck do you want our jobcards. Who gave you the authority?" Well, initially I did explain it to her politely towards which I was greeted with more abuse. When I returned the favour, my boss called me again and insisted that I took the jobcards. Well, I couldn't because the Area manager had already started walking down with the staff towards the check out. I told my boss about it but he wouldn't understand. When all this was going on, one of the Area managers bitches (assistant) turned up from oblivion and she started snatching the phone out of my hands to my utter disbelief. She said I wasnt allowed to talk on the phone while at work. Technically I was finished but still I wasn't talking to my girlfriend. I was talking work. On the other hand my boss was still barraging on the phone asking me to take the job cards. Finally I told the lady manager (formerly bitch) that I was talking to the staffing team. Formerly, because she duely apologised. That was like a 10 min hell run that I went through. Blood was pumping hard and fast in my veins. I felt like just running away from all that shit. But I wanted to wait for my boss and tell him the whole thing.

When he turned up, I explained him the whole picture as it happened. Atleast I tried to but to my incredulity again I found out he wasn't really 100 percent interested in listening to me. But when he heard about one of our own staff having a go at me, he called her up. I honestly didnt want to see her again but he called her back again. When she turned up, he just told her I was the London team leader and she wasnt supposed to be rude to me. And thats all. Thats it. It was shocking, I couldn't believe it. The hardest part to take was, he said to her, If I was ever rude with her again, she should see him first before giving it back to me. Unfuckinbelievable. I get this for 2 years. This. I just went numb for a while. After that I didnt even expect him to talk to the area manager about treating me bad. How can I expect? When u expect, you get disappointed.

I dont know who to trust anymore. My friends are jealous. They see me doing good and they want to meddle around. They see me check-in and they cant take it. They see me talk to the managers at work and they cant take it. Backbitting is performed better than the opposite sex. But, I cant complain to my boss. He wouldnt understand. Imagine one guy crying foul against 5 others. Who would look foolish? Deceitful two faced bastards all of them. Now-a-days, whenever I feel like talking to someone, I can only think of mum and one of my friends in India. Thats all. Is that all this has come to? 23 years of so called abstract life for two swell people? Hey ram! Why dont mums live longer than you. I dont ever want mum to leave me. Like ever. hehe yeah sounds immature. Well thats how I am. There is no place for good men out there. Not that I am saying am good, but I am not bad either. Well, ok, not too bad. Am alright. But duniya keeps on moving ahead for better I think. It wouldn't stop for me or my intricate life. But then, they say gods watching. He'll bless me. Well, Fingers Crossed!

Where is the Love?

Instead of crying foul over many things, why dont people try and live it for the moment? Satirising someone who did not mean any harm is the game of the hour. Nevermind the dumbness shown by the so called gifted few. As usual, I wonder sometimes why did god make man smart. Or smarter than anyone else for that matter. He made me a tad too smart than others, I think. I thought it was good but it is turning out day after day to be a bit gratuitous, to put it respectfuly. How do people not understand the obvious idiocricy is beyond me but when I try to help them understand the mistakes, it turns out that I am a very arrogant and rude little twat. Oh well I've hardly ever given a rats arse to what people think about me or judge me but as long as the verdict is not cried out loud, I dont seem to be bothered.

The past few days have been quite arduous and unyielding. Arduous because the financial and acedemic demands of the 21st century are rising day by day and not forgetting that this country is swollen with taxes and NIs and...some more taxes. After paying quite a lot of fees for school and visas etc., my savings have just plummeted from roof tops to the gutter. And unyielding because the financial or acedemic pressures have made me even more determined and hell bent to succeed. I cant imagine myself not doing better in life from now on here. I mean after hitting the lower side of life with so many bad experiences, I've learnt very well from them and I hope to be careful in the future. Ah well, God have mercy on this world and the materialism that exists beneath. Aye but I am happy & laughing. And I will always be. Like our Laughing Buddha. To be continued...