Respect the women

OK, so probably I have to rant a little bit now. Maybe it would sound wtf-u-talking-about kind of trash but I deserve to rant after being shut for all this while. So, what is the reason for my haranguing?

Well, I am working at this place called the England's Home of Rugby. For more knowledgeable ones - Twickenham. I am assigned to work with a bunch of Mauritian boys. 20 of them to be precise. The guys are all your typical next door horny males. So we were working a few days ago when for the first time, we had a girl who came to work along with us. She was an insanely good looking Indian-African kinda girl with absolutely fit body and hair to die for. But that was it.

The way she caused commotion amongst the boys was absolutely sensational. More than sensational, it was immoral. The poor soul was leeched at all day long by the guys as if she was a toy on the chimneypiece. And she did not seem to be a bit distracted by it even though she noticed everyone staring at her. The look on everyone's face was as if they had all been stuck on an deserted island without a woman for years and they were ready to nail this chick down. It was hilarious at one point.

But, the funniest part is, the way they stared at her. If you had shown her head shot to them after a few days, they most probably wouldn't have recognised her but if you had given a picture of her from head below, they would've immediately recognised her. The sexually-driven stare was insane. Once even I was caught having a quick stare I agree but it was a bit awkward & I with all honesty did not intend to look at her.

The fact is If you go with the quick look, you just feel the awkwardness and it means you either felt weird she caught you staring at her which means you were having weird thoughts or being creepy, or it says you are loser and you are embarrassed to admit that you were caught staring. Either ways, you have to just extend the stare and see what happens next.

Its more about the intention behind the stare than the stare itself. Why are women just looked upon as a sex object than anything else. There is more to a woman than her body. Yes call me an idiot but that's the truth. You cant be just looking at the "prized assets" when you are talking with a beautiful girl. But then how would you know if she beautiful, because you weren't even looking at her face. There is nothing good or beautiful in this world as someone has said, the beauty of a thing lies in your ability to appreciate it.

The question is, why is it that men always think of sex 24 x 7. No I am as straight as the hair on my chest and I do think about sex as much as I think about football. But the difference is, not all the time. There is a limit to everything. I've seen so many guys who would fuck a doll in the middle of the night even when they r half asleep. It is crazy. There are so many things better than sex. Ok, not better but, as good as it. How about a hot plate of onion bhajji when its raining cats n dogs. Or how about a cuppa when its freezing your bollocks out. How about coming home all disappointed and knackered from work and your baby boy or girl runs upto you and holds you in their cuppy arms. For them you are not the same loser as you might be out of the house or in the office. Isn't that as good as it gets? Try staying 3 years in longevity away from your family and friends, the faces you dream to be with, the people you want to dine n wine with, try meeting them for the first time after all those years. I will sacrifice a thousand nights of sex for such occasions. OK, make it hundred...or less. But you got the point.

But you know what, a dude has second thoughts, as always. And I have second thoughts. Not that I doubt what I have scribbled but I love being sure. Is really sex the best thing ever or is it not? Lemme double check just to be hundred percent sure. Honey...shall we..

Just to prove my point to all the guys who are crying foul over reading this post, stare at the above image long enough, and you will see a waterfall. ;)

Virgin Diaries

Virgin media weekly football and other sport opinions. Cracks me up. Some excerpts.

Hammer Time!

Suffering one of the greatest reversals in fortune since R Kelly bought a video camera, West Ham are having a nightmare. Losing a sponsor is one thing, losing two quality defenders is plain careless. But being fined for Sheffield United being crap is downright unfair! West Ham may have got a bewildered Tevez on loan from El Del Boy but he was only one player in a team that played its way out of trouble – Sheffield United’s team didn’t. How about athletes suing other countries’ teams for having better training facilities? How about ugly people suing people who got married after having plastic surgery?

Scolari: Diary of the Manager

I even more of genius now as even Kalou score with me here! I think next week the linesman will score from 30 yards just cos I near him! Chelsea were slightly disappoint that we not beat the Manchester United but we were better side and if my little Deco had been playing we would have won by fourteen goals. At least I learn lot of useful English like ‘I didn’t see the incident’ or ‘A point is still a point’ and ‘It is a game of two calves:’ our donkey calf was definitely Anelka! Aye currumba he could not hit water falling out of a boat. I say you want to make the angel with the hands get the devil out of your feet beardo! He sulk like big girl of course but when I say ‘Play better or I buy Michael Owen at Christmas’ he train a bit harder.

THE FOOTIE 100

Rich City Boys

Jay Rodriguez – Burnley Local lad dumps Premiership team out of the Carling Cup. It’s like a Roy of the Rovers storyline but with better hair.

Michel Kuiper – Brighton Great save to put Brighton past Man City… what do they say about money not being everything?

Damien Stewart – QPR Headed a goal that means Aston Villa will have another season of mediocrity.

Collapsed American Bank Employees

Emmanuel Pogatetz – Middlesbrough Terrible tackle on Man U’s Possebon makes him now the most hated man in Surrey.

Hayden Mullins – West Ham Rounding off a perfect week for the Hammers with an own goal to knock them out of the only Cup competition teams like West Ham could win.

Newcastles defence – All of them Easily confused with an episode of the Chuckle Brothers.

WAG WATCH

Golf WAG SPECIAL

OK, Europe lost the Ryder Cup but they’ve certainly got a better class of WAG than footballers and jokes that revolve around the following five words

1) wood

2) ride her

3) balls

4) bogey

5) birdies

Anyway - have a look at the ladies HERE

Some more Diaries:

Anyone who’s ever watched a Jackie Chan film knows that the underdog can always win, get the stunning girl, change the world and maybe have a nice sing song. Hull are very much like a Jackie Chan film apart from the changing the world bit. And the stunning girls. That team are heroes at the moment, up at seventh in the league and not afraid of anyone. They’ve got the pretty boys of Arsenal next and must fancy their chances, and to be truthful, so do I. A couple of hard tackles and an eight man defence and they could nick it one nil – and at 12/1 it’s well worth a flutter.

Gets inside: Terence ‘Terry’ Venables

So Toony Venables is it now? If El Tel does take over at Newcastle fans will hope he’ll bring the magic of Euro 96 with him and not the tragic of Euro 2008. And let’s face it; the tanned one knows a thing or two about management having had some form of coaching role with Crystal Palace, QPR, Barcelona, Spurs, Australia, Middlesbrough, and Leeds, even acting as Chairman of Portsmouth for about 5 minutes. Let’s not forget he was an England player in his day, capped twice in the late 1960s and has won his fair share of cups in his own little barrel chested way. But what will the Toon Army make of the man? He might be alright if he brings Shearer with him…

THE LAST WORDS:

"I would rather Arsenal win the league than certain other teams" - Sir Alex Ferguson. No really. Please.

Sequel

So, finally, after over a week from the day we were crowned Champions, I still cant believe it. Even today at times when I get up in the morning and look at the massive wallpaper that I have of the Theatre of Dreams next to my bed, I can't truly believe that we have finally done it. The European double that I was so desperately waiting for. It has been 9 long years. Unfair long years. Unfair because we deserved to win the Champions League before when we came so close but yet so far from winning it by faltering at the Semi-finals on more than a few occasions.

When a few years ago in 2005, we lost against Benfica in Lisbon, it hurt. It was not only embarrassing but it didn't honestly reflect the true potential United had. Back then we had Roy Keane, Ruud, Alan Smith & the cunt of a man Gabriel Heinze apart from this years team sans the new signings. After that loss, I read somewhere United would never win the European Cup again with Fergie at the helm. It was depressing. But how has the man turned the fortunes around.

With backing of the once-evil Glazers, who were blasted by the supporters for taking over the club, he made some stunning purchases this season with the addition of Anderson, Nani & Owen Hargreaves with the combined splash of about £ 50 m. People raised their eyebrows but I guess there won't be anyone complaining now. Anderson has been an absolute revelation this season with his skills and calmness. He has won over the Old Trafford faithful and looks set to be a replacement for the ginger prince Paul Scholes. His antics against Lehman in the Arsenal vs Man United match where he kept on distracting Lehman was an absolute joy to watch. But I still believe its too early to judge him. People have been kind-of hyping him a bit too much I reckon although there is no denying the fact that he has truckloads of talent. The only concern is, he keeps his feet on the ground. You cannot by any means ignore the obvious lack of fidelity or loyalty in today's so called baby-Bentley's. But I hope Anderson n likes emulate Scholes by packing their bags n going home after every game. Same goes with the Portuguese almost-there Nani who keeps on losing his head every now n then and gets involved in some foolish blockheadedness. But no matter how insane these young players get, as long as fergie is there, he would almost certainly manage them and bring them back to earth and keep them hungry.

The only depressing fact is that the man himself has ruled out being the manager after maximum 3 years. It is just unbelievable. I cant imagine Manchester United without Fergie. I have grown up supporting them. Waking up in the morning and reading in the papers about the stupidity from the other club owners like la Perry, Shinawatra or sugarpapa Abramovich and then the scuffles with their managers makes a very good and hysterical reading. But that was all because at the back of the mind we knew our club was in the safe hands of Fergie and Sir Bobby. I don't want to go into the retirement thing so early but I hope Fergie stays as long as he physically can.

IN FERGIE WE TRUST

Anyways, as many people have done it, I would love to make my Premier League XI for the year 2007-08. Here are the 11 men who performed well for their clubs.

Goal Keeper: David James (Portsmouth)

Defense: Bacary Sagna (Arsenal) Nemanja Vidic; Rio Ferdinand; Evra (all United)

Midfield: Ronaldo (United) Gareth Barry (Villa) Michael Essien; Joe Cole (both Chelsea)

Strikers: Fernando Torres (Liverpool) Adebayor (Arsenal)

Subs: Lescott (Everton) Lampard (Chelsea) Downing (Boro) Cech (Chelsea) S Cruz (Blackburn)

Manchester United Champions League: Fergie's class of 1999 v 2008

Sir Alex Ferguson's current crop of stars are grabbing the headlines, but how do they compare to the treble-winning Manchester United side of 1999?
Ferguson's class of 1999

Peter Schmeichel: Fergie called him 'bargain of the century', others simply the best goalkeeper ever; went out on the high of Barcelona.10/10
Gary Neville: Already an established international, a home-grown player who could be relied upon in defence and on the overlap down the right wing. 9/10
Jaap Stam: Voted best defender in Europe in 1999; strong and calm, his importance to United recognised fully after his departure. 9/10
Ronny Johnsen: One of the unsung and almost forgotten heroes; a defensive midfield anchor man of great ability and value. 8/10
Denis Irwin: One of the corner-stones, and arguably one of the game's greatest full-backs for his work-rate, versatility, dependability and unflappability. 9/10
Ryan Giggs: The consummate professional, and outstanding wide player, had already developed into one of the more mature senior members of the squad. 9/10
Nicky Butt: Often overshadowed in United's midfield, where he was seen as Keane's stand-in, but always committed, eager and understated. 8/10
David Beckham: Dead-ball skills underlined with corners that led to United's goals; already on way to superstardom despite deputising in central midfield. 9/10
Jesper Blomqvist: Talented Danish winger brought in as back-up to Giggs, but Barcelona was his last game before succumbing to another injury. 7/10
Andy Cole: At his goalscoring peak, playing a key role throughout the season in an almost telepathic partnership with Dwight Yorke. 9/10
Dwight Yorke: Top league goalscorer, his prolific understanding with Cole brought the strikers 53 goals between them during the season. 9/10
Teddy Sheringham: Limited opportunities at 33, but still scored crucial goals in the finals of the FA Cup and Champions League. 7/10
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer: At height of his supersub days, coming off bench to score majority of his 20 goals, including winner against Bayern Munich. 8/10
Roy Keane: Gave one of best performances of career in the semi-final in Turin, but a booking ruled out of final. 9/10
Paul Scholes: Key midfield partnership with Keane which allowed him to get forward to make and score goals, but missed final through suspension. 9/10
Total: 129 / 150

Ferguson's class of 2008

Edwin van der Sar: Made most of season in which he was expected to be usurped by Ben Foster, and given some creditable performances between injuries. 8/10
Wes Brown: Limited opportunities at his preferred centre-half position, but has deputised for
Neville: at full-back in typically no-nonsense style. 8/10
Rio Ferdinand: Has become the dominant, classy, unruffled centre-half that had been expected of him throughout his career, though not always delivered. 9/10
Nemanja Vidic: The modern-day Steve Bruce to Ferdinand's Gary Pallister; has physical presence and great heading ability at both ends of pitch. 9/10
Patrice Evra: Overcome a mixed start, the former winger has turned into a quick and committed left-back, always looking to go forward. 8/10
Paul Scholes: Keane's departure allowed him to grow as a player, and become the team's pivot; seems to see things before other players. 10/10
Cristiano Ronaldo: Simply the most complete player around: equally adept in the air as on the ground, and takes a wicked free-kick. 10/10
Owen Hargreaves: Not quite Keane's successor yet, but his tenacious approach is ideally suited to the holding midfield role he occupies. 8/10
Ryan Giggs: Still around first-team squad, but some indifferent performances suggest that, at 34, anno domini is starting to catch up. 7/10
Wayne Rooney: Has a football brain beyond his 22 years; sizes up situations in an instant and invariably does the right thing. 9/10
Carlos Tevez: The darting, willing, charismatic striker has developed an excellent rapport with Rooney and Ronaldo, and scored his share of goals. 9/10
Nani: Potential there for all to see: could be another Ronaldo if he curbs tendency to get carried away and showboat. 8/10
Anderson: An assured playmaker of deceptive strength, he has improved game by game, and could prove the discovery of the season. 8/10
Michael Carrick: Still a bit of an enigma; dominant on his day, but not really made the holding role his own yet. 7/10
Darren Fletcher: Injury has hampered a season in which he was starting to challenge the galactios for a regular place in midfield. 7/10
Total: 124 / 150

- By Martin Smith
1:19pm BST 10/04/2008
The Telegraph

Squeaky Bum time

Well, lets talk football. Its down to the final tense moments of the season. or Squeaky bum time as Fergie likes to put it. And boy what a season. Real good. So being a die hard Manchester United supporter, the feeling is a bit bittersweet. Sweet because we are leading and mathematically look comfortable with a 3 point cushion. But bitter because the days ahead look tough. Anyways, let me get my unbiased hat on with a pen and a paper. So. The top three have 5 games left. United look to have the toughest games ahead while the Chavs look to have the easiest. Arsenal, well, even if they had the bottom 5 teams to play against, they would've still drawn I guess. Can u bet with them? I wouldn't if I was you. (well I've lost a lot on em so trust me).

So, Man United have Arsenal at home, Blackburn Away, Chelsea Away, West Ham home & then Wigan Away.
Let us look at the worst case scenario. If they draw against Arsenal and Blackburn, loose against the chavs (lucky Chelsea) & win against the Hammers and Wigan, then they will end up with 85 Points. Although the dropped points against boro the other week could prove costly. What is it that boro have got in them that they play decent football against the top teams and still at one point of the season fight for relegation, is beyond me. But credit to Mr. Southgate and his boys.


Now, Chelsea have Wigan Home, Everton Away, Man United home, New Castle Home and Bolton Away.
If Chelsea win against Wigan, United, the Toon & Bolton and draw against the other half of Scouse-land ie Everton, then they end up with 87 Points. Meaning it would go right down to the wire. Considering the other matches going as I forecasted, as everyone has already started it, the billing will be on the titanic clash at Stamford Bridge come April the 26th. The team which wins that game, would win the premier League. But we cant just ignore the other games as walk overs. Everton fighting for the 4th spot should do well at home. Also, Wigan and Bolton battling it out for getting out of the relegation zone, won't be child's play either. I don't expect them to win against the men from London but a tough fight means a weakend Chelsea side already without their two first choice Goal Keepers in Cech and Cudicini. Also, looking at the sudden revival of the Geordie's under King (yah, right!!) Kev, for once looks like a good thing. Yes I dont really fancy Mr. Keegan but I somehow have a soft spot for the Toon and always wanted them to do good, except in 95-96 for obvious reasons. So, I expect them to snatch a point from Mr. Avram face-like-a-wet-weekend-in-Middlesbrough Grant. They do that and I promise I wont ever laugh at Keegan again. Even if he does the squeeze-water-bottle-for-joy thing. I promise. Ok, I'll try. For a month. OK a Week. Ah What the heck! Do it for us this time boys. Come on the toon army.

So we come down to Arsenal. Arsenal have Man United Away, Reading Home, Derby Away, Everton Home, Sunderland Away.
Lets give Arsenal the benefit of the doubt and lets forget they drew their last two League games. Lets say Arsenal win their last 5 games. That will give them 85 Points and they will lead Man United by 1 point. Yeah I have predicted Man United to have 85 points but then if they loose against Arsenal (instead of a draw) then they get 1 Point less as predicted. So they end up with 84 and Arsenal with 85. But lets be practical for a while. I don't see them beating United at their home. And that's when it will be crucial. They beat United at Old Trafford and the race will be wide open. But then the rest of the games don't look too difficult. They'd beat Reading, Derby, Everton & Sunderland easy. So lets assume they draw against United. And win the rest of their games. They will end up with 84 Points and hence 1 short of United.

So it is set for a cracker of a finish. And if Fergie and his Men in red keep up the way they are playing domestically and keep the nerves as they traditionally do during "squeaky bum periods", I don't see anyone catching them. I trust in Sir Alex and the boys and he is experienced enough to have a better approach. I know whatever I have predicted is not going to end up even 50 percent correct but who pays for guessing. I got truckloads of bandwidth to use and plenty of time to spare.

Lets Cheer on the Reds from Manchester.

We shall not, we shall not be moved,
We shall not, we shall not be moved,
Just like the team,

that's gonna win the Football League - again!
We shall not, we shall not be moved.

Glory Glory Man United.

Fingers Crossed

Well, the same old whinging. But then what are blogs for? Eh' Anyways, yeah I mean even I am fed with my doppelganger self complaining about every bit of whats happening. I don't think I can get any lower than this. The questions keep popping up. Not that I am suffering emotionally or financially or career-wise. Alls well. The same old hiccups n all which every other boy suffers. Family is ..welll, as usual, brilliant. And the usual yada yada.
But you would wonder, so whats wrong?

Well I've been asking the same question. I dont know whats wrong. And it is so frustrating. Its this untolerable cruelty that hurts. That feeling which I get every once in a while saying somethings wrong. AH well, my mate says go n see a counselor. For fuck sake!! A counselor?

A guy who fucking gives you advice on your problems for money. Heck no. Doesnt fit right in my head. Talking about money. There is this miserable situation I have gotten into.

So, I work for this guy since I've been in London. Nice british born Indian guy. Helped me when I was looking for a job. And I have been loyal to him alright. As in, haven't complained about shit stuff. Pretty decent. But now, I need money. As in more money. My needs have grown and so has the need for that extra money. Yes I am an international student and its really a paltry amount that we are "legally" allowed to earn in this country. Real pisstake. You pay shitloads of tax and pay for licenses for every bloody thing you do. Paying for watching a TV, parking your vehicle, congestion charges, and for taking the piss. I mean literally. Ok I dont have to pay most of those charges because I dont have a car yet and neither do I plan to buy one soon lest I am employed by Mr. Mittal which is as unlikely as Chelsea playing 'sexy' football. Nevertheless, back to the point. After paying so much u save peanuts.

So now I want to look for a new job. Not that its hard to find one. Infact the experience I gained over the years working for my company has made me a lot better and its now sort of easy to find a similar job. But then the problem is Mr. Employer doesnt like it if we (me and friends) go looking for another job. What a shame. Yeah probably I would've done the same had I been in his shoes and I honestly know how it feels but what shall I do? I need money to pay my bills which is one of the reasons I am feeling shitty. Probably. But then unfortunately I am not professional enough to jump to a decision. Its easy to say well you need money so go do another job, dont give a toss about who thinks what, coz they aint gonna help you pay your bills. But its easier said than done. I just cant do it or just dont feel like it. Altough it would've been mighty jolly had Mr. Employer understood the predicament which I seriously doubt. But then when my friends have joined other jobs, he got angry in the beginning and it looked likely they wont be working for us again, but he still keeps calling them for work. Again. What a joke. Them boys were laughing behind his back. Saying they dont need him anymore coz they found a new job. They thought he needed em and not the other way around. And well, they've been proved right. Infact I've been proven wrong for thinking otherwise. For FUCK SAKE! The worst thing is, Mr. Employer is a very decent bloke. Very hard to find such a mate. Can't go all angry on him. But hold ur guns. Thats true only outside the office. When he gets in, its hard to predict him. Ruthless. Oh well, God bless! I dont care!

The other day, I was working at Wembley when I got a call from him asking me to collect everyones job cards. I told the area manager that I had to collect everyones jobcards for my boss. The area manager, being an arrogant racist little (read fat fuck coz he is over 18 stones) cunt that he is, looked at me and said in front of everyone, "the last time I checked, I was the area manager, you dont tell me what to do" and left. It was so embarassing. I felt like slashing the big daddy into pieces. But I said nothing, looked into his eyes and gulped down the anger. But that wasn't it. One of the staff turned up and said to me, "who the fuck are you and why the fuck do you want our jobcards. Who gave you the authority?" Well, initially I did explain it to her politely towards which I was greeted with more abuse. When I returned the favour, my boss called me again and insisted that I took the jobcards. Well, I couldn't because the Area manager had already started walking down with the staff towards the check out. I told my boss about it but he wouldn't understand. When all this was going on, one of the Area managers bitches (assistant) turned up from oblivion and she started snatching the phone out of my hands to my utter disbelief. She said I wasnt allowed to talk on the phone while at work. Technically I was finished but still I wasn't talking to my girlfriend. I was talking work. On the other hand my boss was still barraging on the phone asking me to take the job cards. Finally I told the lady manager (formerly bitch) that I was talking to the staffing team. Formerly, because she duely apologised. That was like a 10 min hell run that I went through. Blood was pumping hard and fast in my veins. I felt like just running away from all that shit. But I wanted to wait for my boss and tell him the whole thing.

When he turned up, I explained him the whole picture as it happened. Atleast I tried to but to my incredulity again I found out he wasn't really 100 percent interested in listening to me. But when he heard about one of our own staff having a go at me, he called her up. I honestly didnt want to see her again but he called her back again. When she turned up, he just told her I was the London team leader and she wasnt supposed to be rude to me. And thats all. Thats it. It was shocking, I couldn't believe it. The hardest part to take was, he said to her, If I was ever rude with her again, she should see him first before giving it back to me. Unfuckinbelievable. I get this for 2 years. This. I just went numb for a while. After that I didnt even expect him to talk to the area manager about treating me bad. How can I expect? When u expect, you get disappointed.

I dont know who to trust anymore. My friends are jealous. They see me doing good and they want to meddle around. They see me check-in and they cant take it. They see me talk to the managers at work and they cant take it. Backbitting is performed better than the opposite sex. But, I cant complain to my boss. He wouldnt understand. Imagine one guy crying foul against 5 others. Who would look foolish? Deceitful two faced bastards all of them. Now-a-days, whenever I feel like talking to someone, I can only think of mum and one of my friends in India. Thats all. Is that all this has come to? 23 years of so called abstract life for two swell people? Hey ram! Why dont mums live longer than you. I dont ever want mum to leave me. Like ever. hehe yeah sounds immature. Well thats how I am. There is no place for good men out there. Not that I am saying am good, but I am not bad either. Well, ok, not too bad. Am alright. But duniya keeps on moving ahead for better I think. It wouldn't stop for me or my intricate life. But then, they say gods watching. He'll bless me. Well, Fingers Crossed!

Where is the Love?

Instead of crying foul over many things, why dont people try and live it for the moment? Satirising someone who did not mean any harm is the game of the hour. Nevermind the dumbness shown by the so called gifted few. As usual, I wonder sometimes why did god make man smart. Or smarter than anyone else for that matter. He made me a tad too smart than others, I think. I thought it was good but it is turning out day after day to be a bit gratuitous, to put it respectfuly. How do people not understand the obvious idiocricy is beyond me but when I try to help them understand the mistakes, it turns out that I am a very arrogant and rude little twat. Oh well I've hardly ever given a rats arse to what people think about me or judge me but as long as the verdict is not cried out loud, I dont seem to be bothered.

The past few days have been quite arduous and unyielding. Arduous because the financial and acedemic demands of the 21st century are rising day by day and not forgetting that this country is swollen with taxes and NIs and...some more taxes. After paying quite a lot of fees for school and visas etc., my savings have just plummeted from roof tops to the gutter. And unyielding because the financial or acedemic pressures have made me even more determined and hell bent to succeed. I cant imagine myself not doing better in life from now on here. I mean after hitting the lower side of life with so many bad experiences, I've learnt very well from them and I hope to be careful in the future. Ah well, God have mercy on this world and the materialism that exists beneath. Aye but I am happy & laughing. And I will always be. Like our Laughing Buddha. To be continued...

Useless facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!

(Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Top 10 Historical uses of the 'F' word...

1 - "Scattered f___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2 - "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

3 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4 - "Where did all those f___ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877

5 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

7 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

8 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in the head!" - JFK,1963

10 - "Aw c'mon. Who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1997

The Law is an Arse

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thin g your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.