If you ever ask me, when does a man feel the most terrible, I would probably have quite a few incidents or moments to narrate. But right now, I dont know how or why, it feels terrible. Really really terrible. Right to the core. From the deepest bottoms of my heart.
Leaving India is always bad. Leavind friends is always bad. Leaving family is even bad. But return someplace where you dont like it at all is the worst feeling. That too on the back of a good long almost 3 months vacation is unexpressable.
I went to India in January. I hadn't got time or the courage to go visit India for over 2 years. 2 years 4 months to be precise. The nostalgia was immense. It was getting to a point where I was getting emotionally sick thinking about everything that is about India. I was getting depressed. Hence, when I received my new Visa, I decided to take a chance amidst all the ongoing problems like immigration, finances, jobs and all one could think of. I thought of surprising my family by visiting without any prior notice.
I notified the monster of a man a.k.a Shailesh about it and he came to pick me up to Mumbai.
I was worried sick about the money that I would have to spend in India, the bills that would pile up when I return back to London, the immigration mamu's patting my back and saying "kahitari kara chaha panyacha" (there chaha paani costs a friggin lot than a 5 star hotel's chaha paani!).
But once I shocked the living daylights off my mom after showing up on the door, all the fear was lost. That was the most satisfying moment I had in a long long time. Then came the turn of Uncles, aunties, brothers, sisters n friends. It turned out beautiful. It was a dream come true. But as one says, a man can never be happy with what he gets. I wanted more.
I had thought of going out with my mates to movies, long rides, trips to neverlands, just go insane. I had been waiting for it for 2 long years. 26 long months. 790 long days. Countless hours.
But as it always happens in my case, I learn things the hard way. Things had changed. They'd changed real good.
People had moved on. People had girlfriends. People had studies. People had jobs. People had other things to do. People were happy. I wasnt sure about myself. My first thought was, how pathetic could one be when it comes to giving excuses. I felt awful at heart and wanted to secretly cry my eyes out. But then I realised it wasnt all that bad. I realised they had to do it because it was their life. I didnt not have the right to pop in all of a sudden out of oblivion and expect things to happen. I couldnt expect them to leave their daily chores for my satisfaction. Thats not what friends do. They understand each other. Support each other.
The first month flew away like a leaf off a fading tree. The next was excruciatingly painful. Get up at 2 in the noon and sleeping at 5 in the morning took the piss. Some of the things some friends said hurt like mad. I felt really bad about it. But I couldnt show it.
People said I hadnt changed. Why on earth would they want me to change? Everytime I come back to India, they expect a major change in me. Why? What is wrong with me? The next time I go back, I am gonna be a real pisshead making people wish I had been to my old self.
When I was spending my time doing absolutely fuckall, I felt terrible. When my sister was getting up at 4 in the morning, cooking food and going off to work untill 6 in the evening, I felt like a penny waiting for a change. My frustration resulted in me fighting with my mother, shouting on my brother, being rude with my sister. I hated myself. I still do for being a dickhead.
I dont know what to do. Today sitting here and typing all this after a day of returning back to London, I feel terrible. There you go. For the umpteenth time, I feel terrible. I want to cry but I cant. I just want to go back to my country even though I feel I couldve done a lot better in India this time around. No matter how bad my condition was, no matter how bad I was treated at times, no matter how ignorant people are, I still love it. I miss my mom, my friends, our kitten, our house, the bike, the car stereo, the tea, the food, the people, the festivals. I miss the love given by all. I just cant take it. Please god help me find a way! Please!
