Sadness is all I've ever known.
Inside my retched body it has grown.
It has eaten me away,
to what the fuck I am today.

There's nothing left for me to say.
There's nothing there for me to hate.
There's no feelings, and there's no thoughts.
My body's left to fucking rot.
Life sucks, life sucks, life sucks,
Who gives a fuck man, who gives a fuck!

It has been fucking this way,
since my fucking waking day.
Boredom has taken over my brain.
Chilled the blood inside my veins
Left me in this place insane.
All in sickness and in pain.

Everyday we gotta rot away in school
Rot on da net, rot on orkut,
I'm feeling like a fucking fool
I HATE EVERYONE,
they all hate me in return.
People bitching off my ear.
I can no longer fucking hear.
Nothing ever goes my way.
And it's never gonna fucking change.
Life sucks, life sucks, life sucks, life sucks

I hate my life, I hate my life,
I hate my life, I hate my life!

LIFES A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loner?

It was really making me restless thinkin if I really was a loner or it was just that I acted like one? I have a happy medium on the loner scale. I enjoy socializing, but I also have my moods when I'd rather be alone. Social interaction is important for forming human bonds, getting support and affirming my own personal identity. (As Charles Augustin Sainte-Beauve said, "Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.") But it's equally important to do things for myself, have time to reflect and explore the world in my own way. In fact, doing things on my own makes me a stronger, more interesting person. Whether or not I consciously aspired to this state of harmony between independence and human bonding, I seem to have achieved it!
You still think am a Loner? aheemmm!!

Hyper Limey

"We've Declared a Level-Three Heatwave Alert!"
So thundered the news from the Met Office this week.
It was like that scene from some Hollywood flick where the bad man declares some nuclear threat and the United States moves to DefCom4.
It's a BIT OF SUNSHINE for crying out loud!!!!! Geeeeeeeeezzzz!!!
People shiver in the pissing rain, especially in Manchester, for 50 weeks of the year.
A bit of nice weather is fantastic, not a reason for running berserk to the air raid shelters.
OK, it's a bit unpleasant seeing fat skinheads swigging beer from plastic cups with their T-shirts off or wid T-shirts saying stuff like, FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCK or Poiting downwards and saying..WANT BEER? TAP IS HERE!
But...But....but...there is plenty of eye candy to make up for it.
Yes, a few old dears will collapse (Tip: Take your duffel coat off, Love!) and the odd moron will leave Fido to bake in the back of the Volvo.
But all said, I kinda hate the hot weather as much as I love it. It isn't really fun to wake up in the morning when the sun is shining right on your face through the window and you are feeling frikkin baked. Even not that much fun for those who sat next to me at work as I drip sweat like a leaky tap, but bugger it. The lack of clothing makes up for it and after all...winter starts again on friday! :D

Life's priorities!

It was a unusual day on friday (19th May). I was studying at night which is rare but yeah I was. I was continously studying for almost 7 past nights for almost 5 to 6 hrs till morning for my assignment which I was supposed to submit on 24th. So on that friday night, I was trying to find a very rare song on da net which led me to download a software. After installing that software, my machine freezed and after few futile attempts to make it steady again, I restarted it. But later it just couldn't restart. It was a system crash which wasn't somefin new to me. I tried repairing it but after trying in vain for almost 3 hours, I realised that it wasn't just that. Even da so called genius Mr. Satyajeet couldnt help me in it so I figured out that the problem was grave. Yeah I lost all my data, all my assignments, all my hard work. I had taken too much pain for da first time since my 10th grade for this assignment. I am quite famous for starting to study one or two days before the examz (A one day innings). But this time as my machine fucked up, I also realised that Test matches isn't really my ball game. Anyways...it cost me frekkin 3 days of my job to re-do both of my assignments again. Though I submitted da assignment on time, it wasn't the best of my work.

But after I finished my submissions, I realised something really strange. I knew that computers formed a very important part of my life but this revelation was something different. For da days after my submission, the shops were closed due to saturday Sunday holidays and bank holidays n various other reasons so I couldn't fix my lappy for the next 5 tp 6 days. Those days were like the longest days of my life. I couldn't really do anything. I didnt know how someone utilises his time without computers. It made me unbearably restless for the first two days. But then how important these new things are in my life? I spent time by reading my Management books which I surprisingly found out to be quite interesting. I started watchin shows on the Teli which were good though I found many to be mindnumbingly stupid but atleast I knew that there is much more on da teli than Football matches. I also got a lot of time to call my family and friends who were shocked to see me call them on my own. (they are the ones who call me n I seldom call them once in two months. I know thats so sick but there you go...thats me). Me being totally devoid of internet connection made me recieve many mails from my rather supportive friends
askin if I was ok as they didnt see me online or on orkut since many days. These reactions were making me realise that I am so much attached to internet and this new frekkin habbits like orkut and online gaming n all. There is more to life than just internet and computers I thought. I made up my mind that I am not gonna spend much time on orkut or yahoo or gamespy or whatever. I also prayed one day. Recited da Ganapti Stotra which even must've stunned da almighty. I felt a real sense of pleasure, calmness & satisfaction for once. Though da most important thing I was missing was my Music. I felt really sad for losing my awesome collection, But I thought anyways, I've learnt a lot from this experience. I am gonna improve on it. I made
a resolution to avoid being on da net and spend more time reading, thinking, hangin out, calling my family n friends, Study, pray, etc etc. Now came the 1st of June. I decided to fix my baby now. I took her to many shops where I found out da prices to fix her were totally impossible for me to bear. Even more than the price of da new HDD. So I took a gamble, purchased a new HDD and fixed my lappy all by myself. I was so happy when it made the first WINDOWS LOGON SOUND. Now after trying to keep up wid my resolution, I have realised that nothing can stop me from doing what I used to do. FREAK OUT ON DA NET! COMPUTERS are my toys and I cant stay from it. Internet is my oxygen without which I can't live. All those things which I decided I should be doing have taken a back seat. But hell man, why should someone do what he doesnt wanna do and why should someone stop doing what he loves doing? Whats so bad in staying online anyways? When people ask me why da hell r u online all da time, I dont really know what to answer. Whats bad in staying connected anyways? It really irritates me. When You have a 1 MB connection, unlimited download, a good lappy, lots of time, do you expect me to shut down my machine and spend watching fuckall shows on da teli or go out and hang out wid da nigs who one day would kill me for one or da otha reason. Fuck man I dont give a horses ass about what poeple think. If I care so much about what everyone thinks, my trasformation would again be back to da old lame alok! So I am happy with what I am and what I do. If anyone has a problem, prove it me that its somefin wrong that I am doing or just go rot in hell!!!!!

Virtual World

Well, sometimes u really dont expect things to happen, but when you loose all hope, they just happen. In february this rather unbelievable question was killing me - What should I do with my spare time? I was bored of playing MOHAA for 8 hrs a day all week long n FIFA was getting dull as well. Yahoo chatting was no better. There was no TV. Just I had my laptop, my internet connection, my brain....all empty! No ideas. When My friend told me about this site - Orkut. I was first reluctant to join such a socialising site but when I came to know that 'certain' people who I would love to see are there already, I cheerfully accepted the invitation and joined in. To my astonishment, I saw all my school friends n that special someone too. I was so fucking happy. I did meet all of em. As usual everyone was equally astonished to see me after a long time n they couldnt believe that I was in London. Alok Shinde....In london.....bullshit!!! I had such a low profile in school that everyone thought I was kidding. One ov my pals even said that when he told his other pals they were laughing their asses off! I didnt know what to say though it was sounding a bit demeaning but I took it rather happily anyways!!
I had a motive in my mind as to what I wanned to do on joining orkut! I did it, rather unsuccessfully, but am happy now that I did that!
Its been almost 2 n half months since I've joined orkut n today I have 116 friends! Even I cant believe that. I met some real quality people on orkut. I shared with them, laughed with them and its going pretty cool now! These are like one ov the most wonderfull buncha weirdos i've seen especially the fairer sex! There are some real quality gurls out there on orkut. I cant believe that Pune really has got quality. Some gurls r just too good! n some dudes r just too dumb! Lmao! Enjoying it!

But now this new question is killing me! Am I spending too much time here? people think I am online all da time coz Ive got nuthin to do! lolz! Whats da problem in stayin online. I login from my cell lots of times even when I am outside! But does staying online means you r a dumbfuck!?
Some ov my friends say, I am flirting wid gurls! hehehehe!! Just being nice is flirting?? I wish I knew how to flirt! Being nice to someone from the virtual world is risky..yeah...but not bad! For some, its just a strict no-no. There is certainly no harm in being courteous...in fact it always pays to be nice to people! Be it the real world or virtual, being nice to people is a feel-good thing and it does wonders to everyone's mood. We have Etiquette in the real world, and for the net we have Chatiquette! But now who cares. I am nice to everyone n those who care, r nice to me. Those who think am a fuckin despo can have their own views! I really dont give a damn!

N this is for ol who hv been there! nice one!

There came a day,When I met you.
A friendship was born
That we both pursued .
A special bond
That quickly grew.
It was lovely and grand,
And all brand new.
Through caring and sharing,
We learned to be
The best of friends
Yes, you and me.
Even through tears,
The sun shines through.
Without your warmth,
What would I do?
Thank you, thee my friend,
For being there!

Haunting Memories

Its early in the morning. 2:57 am GMT. Feeling restless and getting a 'something is wrong' feeling all over the body. The day started normal, had job yesterday, worked for 12 hrs on da trot. 4 hrs of journey. 16 hrs of relentless drudgery. But when you get rewarded in Pounds, you cant complain.
Was waiting for brother to come online. The moment I saw him, I was about to ask him how everyone was, when, he said... "Arey Bhansali's son is 6 feet high n has Dhoni type hair?" I said yes. I thought he was referring to my friend Shailesh Bhansali. After taking a moments hitch he said, "He had an accident and he is no more, Anna told me."
It just sent shockwave all through my body. I was bloody shocked. After reconfirming with him, it turned out he was referring to shailesh's elder brother. But he wasnt unsure. I knew both of them. Shailesh is my dear friend though. Anxiety started killing me. It was a panic-stricken feeling. Just because I cant bear the news of someone's death. I had purchased a calling card the other day. I nervously dialled shaileshs' no. The phone was answered instantly. Shailesh was on the phone. After listening to his voice, I heaved a sigh of relief. I asked him what happened? There was no sense of depression or distress that could be felt in his voice. Then he replied, "Where are you calling from?"
"London" I said. "What happened? Is everything Alright?" He said, " umm yeah!"
"I heard something bout your brother...is everything..?"
He replied with unbelievable composure and calmness, "He met with an accident, he passed away.....just now...few moments back" I just couldnt believe what I was hearing. He was too cool to be believed. After talkin to him for 30 odd seconds, i couldnt take it anymore n I told him aptly I would call him back.
All this was just too hard for me to take. I dont know what his family must be going through now. I just wish I was there with him right now. Just to be with him. I know how it feels like to loose someone dear. Someone you love. Someone you respect, adore. Its late right now but still I cant help going down da memory lane. The same incidents were happening in my family. I had the same mindset like shailesh. I dunno what I was thinking that time. One person means a lot to the family. Life after his departure changes. For some it changes for the better while for some it doesnt. But its painfull eitherways. I dunno what might be his mother thinking, his father thinking. What Shailesh must be going thru. This all is so painful. Life is Almighty's Video Game. We all are His players. We dont know when he will feel bored of any game and then it'll be..Game Over.
I hope his soul rests in peace.

Re-Entry! Numero Uno Blog!

I’d rather not continue writing a boring post full of unnecessary back-story when I could be mocking or satirizing or tossing out an anecdote or two. Still, I feel obligated to give some kind of account of what I’ve been up to over the past few months. Suffice it to say that a great deal has transpired, and I’ll try to fill in the blanks in as thorough a manner as possible. In fact, I think I’ll make this redux my first REAL serial blog. So here it goes.
I've come down to London, da town where every tom dick and harry comes to now a days. I'd love it if you call me TOM coz the other two names sound a bit demeaning. Its been 6 months (almost) and I am still coming to terms wid the lifestyle, the people & the transport. These three are majorly important if you want to ever stay in London "happily". Hospitality, discipline & manners is da moto of da londoners lives. I do not imagine myself saying a sentence without the appropriate Prefix of Excuse me or Sorry and suffix of thank you, please & kindly now a days.
Like a week back I was at Twickenham Stadium for my job and there was this guest who wanted a glass of milk. I rushed to the kitchen coz everyone else was busy and saw da chef exterminating and butchering the already dead chicken. I asked him, "where's da milk?"
There was silence for few seconds n then after glancing at me while making his face like he had just seen someone eat his own shit, he said, "Dont just stand there. Say Please. Say excuse me, Say Chef. Is this the way you ask for something?" Now for few moments I felt like I was suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome; but after gathering all what was left in me, I said to him, " Please Excuse me Chef!"
Damn was he pissed!!!!!!!?
But the point is You dont say a single sentence widout these words. Even If you are angry, it is kinda mandatory for you to use the 'F' word.
For Fuck Sake man!!!! :)
But hell wid these people. I miss my country helluva lot! Just counting everyday out. I wanna see all those funny faces I used to see everyday. My friends, my family, my Life!! I feel like i've left back my life back home n ve come here for something else, which till date I'vent figured out. Motivation factor is strictly missing but yeah I know I can do betta! But one important thing I've realised in this brief span. I am a total nutcase. I would give up my entire material possesions for a lifetime of relation. Money really doesnt matter to me. I saw my fellow classmates, roommates saying they want to stay here forever so that they can earn helluva lot. But I cant see myself doing that while sacrifising myself from seeing my family, my friends who mean a lot to me. I knew I need my friends but never realised that I need em so much. I feel like Tom hanks Stuck on some deserted Island in Cast Away. I cant talk to anyone. I cant share my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts. And even If i try to, what I get is a senseless nod to every sentence I say. Is the world filled with all such ppl or just I am always in da wrong company? What has one gotta do to deserve something betta?

But apart from this, I've lost all hope in Love n stuff. Havent seen a single relation till date which is based purely on the basis of "love". Everywhere there is selfishness. People love each other for some or the other kinda reason. But they wont love da otha person unconditionally. yeah some might argue that there r people who love unconditionally but for me its all in da movies. Havent seen one till date. Its like what Joey says in FRIENDS.."there is no selfless deed in this world." Feels so true. Take this example. My good friend. Isn't he da shittiest person in the world? He waited for an eternity to express his love to his girlfriend. And eventually when he did manage to do that, she feels he is kidding. And now she doesnt even care a damn bout him. Now just imagine his plight. A "No' is what he was expecting or to b precise, "go f*** yourself" or a "yes" wouldve been preposterously beautiful! But what he got in return was, "hey I think you are kidding!" for which he wasnt prepared at all. What could he do?
Jab Naseeb hi hai Gandu to kya karega Pandu?
I suggested him to shut his mouth n swallow all the pain n do nuthing. But he is screwed now ainit? but thats the true color of life. It kisses you on your face one day while removes your pants n spanks you da otha day!
Fck it! Am sleepy.. I'll cut it off here n gather enough patience to write another one some other day..Neways..who's gonna read this fucking crap other than me.

Keep on rockin in da Free world! - PJ

That was my frame of mind when things were goin really tough wid me. Nuthin was working out. I was frustrated, dumbfounded and scared of life not knowing what to do. But times have changed (maybe) since then!! I never thought these days will come but yeah due to enormous efforts of my mom and her will power plus the good wishes of all my friends and relatives, today I am living my life in the UK. I still remember those days when I had no one to talk to than some chat friends. There was just my computer who i could talk to!(?) So I started writing down things...errrr typing down! Today its not really something different. I am still searching for that someone special who I could talk to, share things, thoughts, ambitions. I really miss Adwait! Man we used to have a great time. But the show must go on! He is still in coma, and am here for my studies...makin money, careers...!! Yeah I still am confused. True I have some LAKSHYA now...there is some hope back in my life. I'd be lying if I say that I really never was so excited about being in the UK. Life is ok here...but sometimes I really wonder whther thr is life here. There is no fun, no excitement, no rush like there is in India. I miss my country, my friends, my city...my pune. I miss those times i used to spend with my friends at JM Road. I miss drinkin that cuppa tea at the tapris. I miss that pan of mamu! i miss my Pulsar....those fast drives i used to have with Satya on the roads makin other drivers look like fools. Man i miss those roads of Pune with pits makin ur ride a bumpy one. I miss That Butter Chicken at Shreenath. I miss the 20 Rs. A1 Chinese.....Damn I miss it all. But what I really miss is my mom. She is so proud and
happy today that her son is studying in the Uk that she must be telling everyone about me with her head held high. I still remember those troublesome times we had during my dads medical surgeries and recovery and the worst periods after my dads death. Mom never gave up. Everyone was against us. EVERY FUCKIN PERSON AROUND US!!! NONE OF THESE FILTHY ASSHOLES EVER OFFERED A HELPING HAND. But today I thank em all. If they had helped me that time I wouldve still been a lazy bum. Their attitude made me a fighter.
I still can see myself sitting in front of my mom after 15 days of my dads death at our place, when she was saying...."Aloo we cannot give up, you cannot give up, I am there for u three. You are my property now. I will work as hard as possible to provide you with all the amenities ur dad could give u. I am not assuring u but I will try. But we need to cut down our costs as of now......."
But then she said...." Aloo I can work till my hands allow me to...my body allows me to...my legs allow me to...! Till that time you have to study. AFTER THAT YOU ARE YOUR BROTHER AND SISTERS DAD. you have to take care of them."
Those words are the heaviest burden i ever had lived with me. I was scared, confused about what to do.
But now i think the days are changing...I just got da FEEL! Still am unsure.
I guess god is there. He is testing me....He really is.....
And i just have to say one thing....I am ready god...Just gimme the Strength!!! I dont want anything else. Gimme the strength to fight. Gimme the Strength to work hard.

Gimme the Strength to pass your tests.
I Dont want anything else god........If ur listening..........

Paranoid! Down memory lane...

People always think that I'm insane and psychic because I am frowning all the time telling them the fuckin' truth of my life. People ask me why I get mad easily or get
furious with small things. Even I don't know why!!!. All day long I think of different things but nothing seems to satisfy me and if I am not able to find something to really pacify, I think I'll lose my mind someday. Noone gives a shit bout' me nor anyone respects me. Whatever I say is taken in as formality or just for the sake of it. I need someone or something to occupy my brain which is getting rot with crap. Also to show me the things in life that I can't find which make true happiness.I really must be blind.I make a joke and all will laugh and I will cry coz' u aint laughing at the joke but are laughing at me coz' u think I am dumbshit'. But still I have to pretend that I am enjoying the moment. I cannot feel the happiness. Love to me has become so unreal and there is nothing so called as 'hope' to me. All this must be telling the state of my mind. But I want the rest to enjoy their life. I wish I could but I hope that It's not too late.!!!!I hope I am not PARANOID.


- Alok

One thing I dont know why,

It doesnt really matter how hard you try,
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme,
To explain in due time...
- In the End (LP)

I dont know why I am doing this? Whats a blog? Knew ppl r talking a lot about blogs now-a-days but never thought of having one for myself. I am a predator of my own thoughts and share what I feel with everyone. That might be the reason I am starting it but I am feeling a lot lonely & lost lately because of the series of 'incidents' that have happened with me in da past few days and i've got no one to talk to. I am considered a freak head who is hardly serious so talking about my emotions, loneliness and happiness at times becomes a daunting task.